If Angels Kept Journals
by Jessaminebell
Summary: From the mind of the angel in his dirty trench coat comes a very in depth reading of his thoughts on the journey that has shattered his faith.
1. Chapter 1

Entry #1

Father, I've been told this was the only means to speak with you. Though that may not be true, I'll try. I have to at least try.  
It's your son, Castiel. It's been a while, I know, but I'm still here.  
Waiting.  
Do you hear my prayers? I realize you must have many other more important things to do, but.. Would you please answer me? Could you give me a sign that you can hear me? Please. I don't know if I can keep doing this. Uriel, he's placing doubt to my mind. I know things have gotten rough, and we are anything but true martyrs, but..  
I need you, Father.


	2. Chapter 2

Entry #2

They are blasphemous. The arrogance plastered to their cheeks cannot be overlooked. Why must they be the ones to save everyone? One of the children has even turned his back completely from you, Father! How could you want these misguided ones to be saved?  
I understand the certain good that may come from them, but Sam is.. He is an abomination, Father. If he should continue down the road he has set himself to, I will have no choice. Right, Father?  
I doubt the other man will pay heed to myself or Uriel if we turn his brother to the light, though. In truth, it seems as if he will not pay heed to us even at the moment.  
Time will be time, though, Father.  
I will try my best.  
For you.


	3. Chapter 3

Entry #3

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Father. I beg for your forgiveness. I should have never doubted you. They have taught me again and again of your word, yet the doubt had worn away at the beauty that is you. My superiors have set me back to the path I should have never strayed from. Your orders are absolute, I know. Even if I should not hear them directly from your mouth, even if they are by some vague cryptic message received and read by only one to preach the word, I have no other choice but to commit. I have no reason to believe in what those boys have taught me.  
Who needs free will anyway?


	4. Chapter 4

Entry #4

Every one of us needs it.  
The ones you have placed under yourself have enslaved those of which that happen to be lower on the ladder.  
Father, being with them, those two horribly broken brothers, I've come to a conclusion. The only choice for me is to rebel. It will be the only worthwhile thing I will do. Yes, I may falter at times, but for the first time... For the first time, I can step into whatever home I please without worrying whether or not such an action has been approved.  
And it feels amazing.


	5. Chapter 5

Entry #5

And so I ask you, my dear father, what is my purpose? For what have you made me, made my brothers and sisters for?  
I know that in their world, their is no room for regret, no room for second-guessing you, but I.. I've lost my faith in you. I didn't want any of this to happen, I just.. Please, father, you have to understand. In the time you left us, left your children, things have changed. My superiors gave orders I could never believe you would issue. Have you abandoned us, even now? We've only tried our best, and yet.. And yet you have forsaken your children. I want to believe that you had a reason, that you truly did it for the best of everyone, however, even I cannot tell myself such lies.  
I've found others that think as I do. They are hopelessly selfless, even to the point of arrogance, but is that a bad thing? Is their drive to save every last one of their kind an arrogance that must be deleted?  
For a first time, I will answer my own question, father. I will not wait for that vague and cryptic message taking hundreds of years to interpret.  
No. No person will exist quite like the ones I've found, and I can't decide if that should be called a tragedy or a blessing.  
Father, I have called out to you, tried searching for you, yet.. You don't want to be found, do you? That could be the only answer, as we've all been looking. Every single one of your children have been crying and begging for your help, their bloody screams reaching every corner of this world.  
But you don't care, do you?  
So why do I?


	6. Chapter 6

Entry #6

Gabriel is dead. He was murdered by Lucifer. Your children are killing each other, and for what? Even so, where do we go when that sword pierces our hearts? Do you finally show yourself to us, father? Do we only become your true children after the pain and suffering changes us into blood thirsty monsters willing to kill even our own brothers and sisters?  
There was a point in my very long life where I would have happily killed myself to find you. If there was the slightest chance that my father was waiting for me on the other side of a steel blade, I would have taken it.  
Not anymore, however.  
I have people who will not lie to call me their friend. Neither will I to call them mine. I need them more than they need me, father. And now, I need them more than I could ever need you.


End file.
